A New Career Goal

October 21, 2007

My new career goal is to become a senior pastor at a megachurch. Essentially a megachurch pastor is the closest you can get to being a medieval bishop. You get a six day weekend by milking your congregants for all they are worth on Sundays. It’s almost like feudalism with the congregants as voluntary serfs. With the added bonus of being able to get married too. How ideal is that?

The similarities to bishopdom don’t end there. Beyond financial gains you also get authority gains. The church becomes your fiefdom, with you its true ruler. With enough lip service to God you can say and do whatever you want. With even more lip service you can claim that your orders are in fact the voice of God. Even more advantaegeous is that your role becomes hereditary. You can pass on your title to your children. Who are most likely already employed in your church. This is something even bishops couldn’t claim.

Yup, I think that once I achieve senior-pastorhood at one of these megachurches I will be set.  I can become a best selling author, be revered by thousands, and enjoy one of the shortest work weeks in the western world.  The perfect life.


  1. Liam,

    Love it… Just found your blog through your dad’s blog. You will make him so proud.

    Or not…

    Great post!

  2. Plus, you develop the “senior pastor magic wand” which allows you to defy the physics of time and space simply by waving it. i.e.: “I expect [gigantic, ridiculous demand] to be done by tomorrow. I don’t care what it costs.”
    Actually, no…don’t do it. I suspect you have to make a bad bargain that involves your soul…
    (good post!)

  3. Thanks Rainer, my Dad was a little concerned, but I promised him a job in the church and he’s happier about it now.

    Jan, I agree. One of the huge problems is that these churches have massive budgets. As Brant Hansen has pointed out a number of times the money spent on gigantic, ridiculous demands could probably be better spent doing things like feeding the hungry or making sure Kids in Africa get an education.

  4. I heard Robert Tilton literally said this stuff — seriously. His college roommate said they used to sit around and make fun of TV preachers, and Tilton got so good at it, he decided to do it.

    I propose you do it. I will be your Administrative Pastor, in charge of, you know, just generally being awesome and stuff around you while you are even more awesome.

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  7. Who says medieval bishops didn’t have children?

  8. Hey Brant, Robert Tilton’s wikipedia article “confirms” that, as much as Wikipedia can confirm anything. He raked in as much as 80 million dollars a year, which is pretty awesome, except for the being a sleezebag part. I wonder if money helps wash the sleezy feeling away.

    Point taken Josh, but it wasn’t exactly encouraged, at best it was tolerated.

  9. I would like a Ferrari Testa Rossa, in red, obviously. I would also like every new toy that comes out from Apple. Oh, and RIM, too. As your father, I will expect to be number two or three on your pay roll (after your future wife and your mother, of course). I realize that that will change when your kids are old enough to talk – and can take their rightful place on the pay roll.

    I am prepared to work at least a full week…every two months, unless of course I’m out of the country…cruising. Then it will have to be a month a year. But you know I’m worth it. Just think of how much money I could make if I wasn’t working for your church, after all.

  10. I’m going to have to look up that wikipedia thing. I’d seen an interview a long time ago, but remembered that vividly. It scared me, because I could do that, too, at any moment, if I wanted some serious cash.

    Good luck in your exploits as a Big Shot. Your “future wife” will likely be obvious: Whoever’s on your campus with the biggest hair.

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